Post analysis
The book contains some rambling passages, making it occasionally difficult to follow. Listening to the audiobook version exacerbated this, as it was easy to lose focus.
My main takeaways are
- Vulnerability
- Shame and Empathy
- Trust
The following are my notes on concepts that stood out to me as I read this book -
Seek first to understand and then to be understood - 7 habits of highly effective people
Joseph Campbell - The Cave you fear to enter, holds the treasure you seek
Vulnerability
Know when to be vulnerable. The book lists many fallacies of being vulnerable. Here are three that stood out to me -
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Stealth intentions. When you hope sharing will cause them to react and empathize.
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Vulnerability is not a sympathy-seeking tool.
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We have sanitized our language, making it difficult to express with empathy. Be clear when vulnerable, and avoid business jargon that sanitizes true intentions.
Clearer is kind. Unclear is unkind
Joy
When something joyful happens, we start planning on getting hurt
Don't squander joy. We should celebrate. Don't withhold recognition. Practice gratitude.
Invisible army
Often, people may use “WE” to discourage or discredit.
It is important to confront these arguments when possible.
The author’s response to pushback involving “we” is humorous -
We? You got a mouse in your pocket?
Shame
If you feel ashamed, that is a good thing because it means you are empathetic. People who don’t feel ashamed are usually also not empathetic to other people.
Identifying, naming, and articulating emotions is essential for being empathetic.
It also helps us recover, for example, by identifying anger vs disappointment.
Be ready to sit in discomfort
Empathy is the brave choice to be with someone through their darkness
Empathy miss -
- Making the other person feel like they need to defend themselves or make you feel better
- Me too vs. One-upping - Don’t make your problem bigger than theirs.
Curiosity
Easy learning is not lasting learning Like muscles, your brain needs to hurt to be learning
Most discomfort lasts for eight seconds, like riding a bull
Love is not a victory march; it is a cold and broken alleluia, Leonard Cohen,
Feedback
On Giving feedback
Use the person's strengths to outline how they could improve their shortcomings.
On Receiving feedback
Receiving feedback can get overwhelming, especially when feedback comes in the form of complaints piled on.
Ask For Time. One of the strategies mentioned is to ask for more time. Be outright in saying that you cannot deal with the multiple feedbacks right now and must address only one matter at a time.
Always give people the benefit of the doubt.
People are doing the best they can. This does not mean not holding them accountable.
Trust
The issue of trust comes up a lot because most people find out that it is an issue when it is too late, and it is often demoralizing.
An example of this is not being entrusted with larger or more challenging projects, which often lead to promotions.
Trust is the stacking of small moments over time.
An interesting take presented by the author is that when we don't ask for help, we will be given the same projects our bosses trust us to do. How would they trust us to do a task if they don’t think we know how?
Maya Angelou - I don't trust someone when they say I love you and they don't love themselves. There is an old African proverb - Do not trust a naked person to give you a shirt.
Shitty first draft
This is a technique that Brene Brown employs when she is catastrophizing. She will state out loud her assumption of why something is happening.
💡 Just cause someone hasn't deemed you worthy does not mean you don't have anything to offer